That guy?

There's this person I often imagine becoming. This person is a spiritual giant who knows scripture and backstories of scripture. This guy has more degrees than children and never mentions the degrees. This guy struggles with desiring his wife TOO much. He also has the annoying habit of paying all his bills on time. And it's just necessities, no credit cards or student loans to be found. Just insurance and maybe a house payment...and private school payments.
This guy gets up extra early to read his bible before working out. He does half an hour of cardio before hitting the weights. He's built.
WHen this guy plays guitar, it hangs really low beyond his slender stomach. There's no fast food belly here, no sir. He also can hit high A's like it's nothing. Bb's are extra special.
This guy doesn't hurt his wife's feelings or accidentally drop his kid. (it's only happened once)

This is the guy Jesus loves.

I've been pondering this idea that Jesus loves me just as i am. Pudgy, smelly feet, ego-centric as I am. Jesus loves me right now. There's not some future Jon he will accept later when I get it all down. I'll never get it all down.

In Romans, Paul reminds us of our inability to keep the law. Our inability to get it down. It's in our deepest depravity that Christ reaches in and the whole grace thing kicks in.

There's this huge gap between the man I am and the man I want to be. I'm supposed to say that Christ fills this gap or whatever. But I'm still not the man I want to be. There's still something wrong. The fall? The screwed up way the world works? What the snot is wrong?

I know Jesus loves me. Right now. There's nothing I can do to change that. I know also that He does not love the sin that so often reigns in me. So there.

posting

This is the post for the day.

The Way

I've been searching old friends on facebook and myspace. Come to find out a guy who played my dad in The Sound of Music when I was 12 or 13 is in a band. The band's called Orson and they're steadily climbing the charts in the UK. They're on tour with Robbie WIlliams and Duran Duran. This is BIG STUFF. I'm thrilled for the guy.
I was in a few shows with him and his sister who was my age...is my age. She's out in Hollywood i think.
I also ran across a friend from high school who was in ALl State Choir with me. SHe's doing some big shows out in LA.

I made a conscious choice in college to pursue Christ rather than music or theater or fame or something. I remeber coming back and talking to my High School theater teachers about it. One of them looked at me and told me I could move to New York and act for a living. That I had that kind of talent or something. There were some great actors in high school. It means a lot that they thought I was the one who could have made "it"...whatever that is.

Where does this leave me? There's still this desire to stand on a stage and strut around singing some rock song. Or to put on costume and make-up and play some character in an Arthur Miller play.(Love that realism)

What have I given up and what will I gain from it?
Had Christ not invaded...or at least invaded so deep, I am confident that I could have done any number of things related to music or theater. The rock band or the actor. Something...
Have I really given up fame or riches? Is it histerical to even be talking this way? Kind of, yeah.

This Jesus guy. He just messes it all up. He's come along with his way of thinking..."the last shall be first....servant of all...lose your life to gain it" kind of talk. What do you do with that? That kind of thinking isn't practical...it isn't...it won't put food on the table or a Mercedes in the driveway...or buy a driveway...

Then there's this passage that flips that back on end. Matthew 6. After preaching for a while and mentioning running after clothing or food...after mentioning money and storing up treasures he says to Look for God's Kingdom FIRST! Then He will take care of the things I need. (I don't need a macbook pro, by the way)
He has done this. He is providing as Sascha and I seek him in our feeble, jacked up ways.

I choose Christ. He is better. I'd love to stand on a stage and sing my latest #1 hit. But I choose Jesus. People are stupid...I know...I'm one of them. I'd rather waste myself on the praises of One than on the praises of many. Then I could sleep better. until He woos me deeper, but that's a whole other thing.
j

Gigging

The things I do for friends.

I'm at this stage in my career where I have to take EVERYTHING that comes along. I cannot afford to turn anything down at this point. The more gigs, the more opportunities to meet people and share my story. I haven't gotten it down to a science like my friend Joel engle. Seriously. I played a gig with him at Celebrate freedom. We had 30 minutes. We did 8 songs and he shared his testimony. That's amazing. It would take me an hour to play 8 songs. Probably because I'd ramble on and on in between songs.
I"m playing for free tonight at Cowamongus cafe and creamery. I actually used to work here. BUt let's not talk about that.
Opening for me (hah!) is a band called Cover(dish). As their name implies, they play cover songs. I tell you and they would. They are hacks. But they're having a good time playing some U2 and some David Crowder and some mutemath. Not the crazy keytar songs, but the slow easy one. I love these guys, though. They are all awesome people. Except bobby. I don't know bobby. But I'm sure he's equally awesome.

I"m not sure how to get gigs. If anyone comes across this and knows, please inform me.
So far, I've played the Door, Caowamongus, and Rockwell's coffee house. Other than church, that's it.
I think I have a good product and worthwhile story.

~on to Jesus~

Have I ever told you the Dennis Jernigan story? No? Here it is.
Dennis Jernigan is a worship leader based out of Oklahoma. His sister and brother in law used to go to my church in Mesquite. One night, I went with my family to a night of praise he was leading at. He makes it a point after each event to talk to whoever wants to talk to him. He's written some big songs. Thank You, Great is the Lord, All in All. Some great stuff. He also has a great testimony. I really admire this guy.
So there I was, 17 with worship leading dreams. Friggin' stars in my eyes. Sort of...maybe crosses instead...hmm.
So I go up to him afterward to ask him advice on leading worship. I had my notebook and stuff, ready to hear these pearls of wisdom that would fall from his lips, knowing it might be too much to write down. But I was going to try.
So I tell him who I am and such. Tell him I"m a worship leader and ask his advice. He looks straight at me and says "Seek Jesus"
I guess I had this over simplified dumb look on my face. Like I wasn't sure I heard right or that there should be more to it. SO he added. "Seek Jesus, not any ministry"
He was right. Seeking JEsus is primary. Rather than seeking stuff or position. He tells us to seek Him. Matthew 6. 33

And i love jesus.
The person of Christ stands as the focal point of my life....most...well a lot of the time.

So to bring this together. I'll just seek jesus and be a good steward of what He's given me.
j

The darkness

Though the name of a fairly decent 80s throwback kind of band and what Rick James called Eddie Murphy's brother in the chapelle's show, neither is what I speak of.
It is no suprise that all mankind is screwed up. There is this inane sense within us that it's just not right.
It's this darkness within that tells us we're not good enough.
It's this darkeness within that tells us me all the negative things about myself.
It's this darkness I have to fight.

In my life, it takes two forms, lust and depression.
Lust creeps in whether I am happy or sad. Something of a equalizer. If I'm depressed, it lifts me up. If I'm happy, it reminds me of my depravity.

It's the depression I am fighting now. These are the thoughts that bring it up in me.
I have been forgotten.
I am not talented enough.
I cannot support my family.
God will love me when i'm good enough.

These are also the LIES that perpetuate the cycle. Yet that is what they are. Falsehoods meant to decieve.

God loves me NOW. Messed up and all.
BUt WHo Christ is in me is greater than these things.